


Papercut (It Doesn't Hurt Anymore Than That)

by LiNafied



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: College AU, F/F, background wenrene
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 09:48:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8244872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiNafied/pseuds/LiNafied
Summary: Joy, Seulgi, and the weight of love in a world that continued spinning.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Again, the tendrils of a summer love, thick and supposedly finite, wrapped tight around Seulgi’s throat, disabling her ability to speak. Joy took her silence for something else, the younger girl pressing the nose of her bridge tightly.

 

It was the calm before the storm. 

 

The sun had barely risen when Seulgi woke up, right arm aching from the weight that had been resting on it. It was comfortable, an anchor that tethered to the real world while the world of dreams lingered at the back of her eyelids, with itchy fingers threatening to pull her back. The weight, attached to a very real person, was still fast asleep, messy brown hair covering a face that came straight from the gods, her breath brushing past Seulgi’s lips like a paintbrush on canvas.

 

And it was all Seulgi could do to not push her off, her throat closing up by the sudden well of panic and  _ love _ , a fist gripping around her heart, fear washing ashore from behind her ribs. 

 

She held her breath, counted from ten and forced her heart to stop racing, for her fingers to stop fidgeting.

 

She barely managed it, calmed herself down enough to witness Joy’s eyes fluttering open, a muted starlight against a dark setting. 

 

Joy blinked blearily, still in the last vestiges of sleep, giving Seulgi just enough time to mask her expression.

 

(She knew if she looked into the mirror, she would have looked terrified. 

 

_ Of what? _ )

 

Fingertips traced her face gently and Joy smiled at her, small and soft, a fragile glass ornament to be held between gentle palms.

 

“Good morning.”

 

Seulgi replied just as softly, her words pushing past the lump that seemed to have formed in her vocal cords, breathy and shaky in a way that Seulgi hoped Joy would take as a remnant of sleep and not because -

 

(Not because Seulgi was utterly terrified of the feelings whirling behind her chest that came with waking up beside someone. )

 

“Morning.”

 

Joy observed her with eyes that seemed to bore through her soul, laying her out bare and naked to a girl who had already delved into the deepest parts of her and it took a lot of effort for Seulgi to return the gaze, wavering and unsure, even as Joy shifted closer to nuzzle their noses together. 

 

“You’re up early.”

 

Relieved to have passed Joy’s inspection, Seulgi dredged up a smile, one as shaky as her voice.

 

“Force of habit.”

 

The biggest lie if Seulgi were ever to admit it but it was thankfully something Joy had never witnessed for herself, this being the first time she had slept over. 

 

(Thank god for the little things.)

 

Joy’s smile widened and she leant in, that same radiant smile pressed up against Seulgi’s quivering lips, leaving behind the burn of words that she had whispered the entire night.

 

“I love you.”

 

And Seulgi-

 

Seulgi, unable to watch Joy’s face crumble and fall like the way it has done all those times Seulgi had rejected her touches and denied their relationship in front of their peers, echoed it back, words scratching deep gouges in her throat and on her tongue, painting Joy’s love red on her body.

 

“I love you too.”

 

It was almost a dream, a dream that Seulgi could keep watching, the way she could so effortlessly make Joy’s face light up beautifully, the younger girl radiant with happiness even as she snuggled closer to Seulgi, bare skin caressing bare skin. 

 

(She doesn’t think of all the way she could break Joy just as effortlessly.)

 

*

 

A summer’s love.

 

It was just a summer’s love.

 

Passionate and all encompassing, with shy looks passed over in the corridor of school transferred over to desperate mouths and hands in the shadows of the outside world, whispers of love that doesn’t see the light of day, touches that left burns and teeth marks that darkened and disappeared over time. 

 

It was supposed to be  _ just _ a summer’s love.

 

So why did it feel nothing like it?

 

Seulgi read about it, practically devoured the stories spun on pages of romantic novels and the lines fed to her by television shows, understanding about flings and the preparation of  _ true love _ , love that a summer’s love was supposed to mimic. 

 

But this  _ fling _ with Joy felt nothing like it. 

 

It felt like fire threatening to burn Seulgi from the inside out, the underwater currents of the ocean pulling her in, large and all encompassing, nothing like how Seulgi imagined a summer’s love to be.

 

(Deep inside-

 

Within the fear and the burning sensation that fueled her legs to  _ run  _ and never look back -

 

Deep inside, Seulgi knew.

 

But she can’t give a name to it.)

 

It felt -

 

No, it was more than a feeling, it was exactly like a fairytale love, full and wonderful, the painting of a happy ending with joyous laughter and kisses that promised a good morning from a goodnight. 

 

And it terrified Seulgi.

 

But she could not say anything to Joy.

 

_ Can’t _ .

 

Because she doesn’t think she can watch Joy’s face crumble again, watch the shattered pieces of her heart settle onto the ground, a by product of the tears and rejection of burning touches that promised something  _ more _ , doesn’t think she could take that away from Joy.

 

So Seulgi kept silent, drowned in the love and belief she saw behind Joy’s eyes, closed her eyes to the burns that Joy left on her skin.

 

And she hopes that somewhere along the way, she will find the silent belief that Joy has in this summer love that felt more like a happy ending.

 

(Seulgi was well aware that lies did not help the both of them, that inevitably this would come back to smack her in the face. 

 

But Joy has already taken so much, taken pieces of Seulgi’s heart and whispers of words she didn’t want to mean but somehow did and Seulgi did not know how to get it back.)

 

She kept silent in this momentary madness that this would maybe turn out to be the happy ending Joy believed in.

 

(A belief often whispered in the dark of the night, hopeful and wanting, with the brightness of stars in dark eyes.)

 

*

 

The first sight of the inevitable storm settled in the moment summer was over.

 

She walked down the halls of her school, wary of the eyes that were on her, eyes that followed her everywhere, as though they could see the marks burnt onto her skin with words. Seulgi held her messenger bag closer to her body, a pathetic shield in a sea of people, eyes glinting and mouths quirking up into small smiles.

 

And it did not help that Joy, emboldened by their summer together, was walking up to her, her chin held up high and her eyes soft, a comforting presence that Seulgi should find solace in.

 

(Instead, it threatened to drown her.)

 

The stares persisted, attention solely on them now that Joy had reached out for her hand, palms sticking together like they did in the summer, the brunette reaching out to push away hair from Seulgi’s eyes.

 

“You alright?”

 

She wanted to answer but a piercing whistle caught their attention, one of the boys on the football team leering at them with a grin, the kind that showed all the teeth and none of the sincerity as he shouted across the way.

 

“That innocent in private, sweetcheeks?”

 

His friends, teammates, hollered together with him, obviously understanding his intention behind innocuous words.

 

It was probably the least suggestive thing Seulgi had heard anyone say about their relationship; thoughts of boys catcalling both her and Joy on the beach and the slurs thrown at them by supposed peers; but this,  _ this _ , was said within the school, her reality that did not consist of a summer love that burned like a fairytale, clawed at her skin, dug into her flesh and left obvious marks.

 

Her chest, heavy from the walk down the hall, balled up tight, tighter than she had ever felt before, and her ears rang loudly, the silent scream making her dizzy.

 

She barely registered the presence of her best friend, Wendy, kind, loud, angry Wendy shouting back at them, an arm thrusting in front of Seulgi as though to protect but it doesn’t push away the sudden realisation that bubbled at the back of her mind.

 

The realisation that the fear, the tightness that fueled the feeling of running away, wasn’t just because this love was suffocating her.

 

It was also because she  _ cared _ about what these people thought of her. 

 

She cared about the way they looked at her, judged the way Joy’s fingers intertwined so tightly with hers.

 

Without thought, she ripped her hands away out of Joy’s grasp roughly, desperately trying to draw in a breath and keep the voices at bay, to ignore the stares aimed her way.

 

(Judging her, mocking her.)

 

“Seulgi-”

 

Joy’s voice filtered through the noise, concerned and scared, her fingers reaching out for Seulgi again.

 

Seulgi pulled away, wrapping her arms around her body and shook her head, her voice shaking even as she walked away from Joy and Wendy, her best friend and her  _ girlfriend _ worried.

 

“I’m fine - I just - I have class, I have to go.”

 

She walked as fast as her legs could take her without breaking into an actual run, leaving behind the stares and the judgement.

 

(As well as the flash of hurt, the crumble of Joy’s face that was so familiar, the sight of it etching into her memory like a tattoo.)

 

*

 

Joy waited for her after school, Seulgi seeing her figure at the gates.

 

She detoured, unable to face her at this point in time, without words to explain her worries and her thoughts.

 

(That this wasn’t right, that they weren’t right.)

 

Worries that she thinks Joy will not listen to.

 

*

 

The storm she had expected to see, the inevitable ending to a relationship that did not sit right in her skin, crashed into their lives, loud and thunderous, with pellets of rain hurting them, chilling them down to the bone. 

 

They fought more than they talked, the poison seeping into the love that Seulgi felt beneath the fear, allowing the judgement of others to destroy the belief that Joy has for them.

 

Joy, stubborn, strong willed, taking what she wants, fell into a spiral with her, a dance they refused to learn, each step tripping them further and further until they fell.

 

And fall they did. 

 

Joy blinked back her tears and screamed at her, always the passionate one to Seulgi’s quiet playfulness.

 

“Being together means doing things  _ together _ !”

 

Seulgi held back a sigh (a choke of a sound, the slight whimper of protest) and glanced back over to the topic of their argument. The brochures for colleges, the next step of their lives, were strewn across the floor, thrown there haphazardly when Joy found them. She bit back what she wanted to say (that this wasn’t right, that this scared her) and shook her head, voice barely a whisper.

 

“But my dreams don’t coincide with your dreams. This college is good for what  _ I  _ want to do.”

 

Joy stared at her, broken behind the shine of tears in her eyes and she shook her head. 

 

“You don’t  _ get  _ it, do you? It’s not the college you have chosen, it’s the fact that you chose without telling me, without an inkling about how we would maintain this relationship.”

 

Again, the tendrils of a summer love, thick and supposedly finite, wrapped tight around Seulgi’s throat, disabling her ability to speak. Joy took her silence for something else, the younger girl pressing the nose of her bridge tightly.

 

“That what you do affects the both of us. That is what a relationship is.”

 

Resentment bubbled at the back of her throat and for once, Seulgi felt like baring it all, instead of keeping it inside and hurting by herself. 

 

But Joy didn’t give her a chance, walking past her briskly with muted sobs and a brush of skin upon skin, leaving behind the tendrils of a love unwanted and the air that threatened to suffocate Seulgi.

 

*

 

They don’t talk for weeks after that. 

 

When they do talk, it was Joy that approached her first, eyes sad and touches forgiving.

 

(Seulgi tried not to think about how it was always Joy that made the first move.)

 

And they pretend that the storm wasn’t raging around them.

 

*

 

Months later, when finals are done and decisions are made, Joy merely looked at the acceptance letter to the college that Seulgi had chosen with a muted smile, fingers tight around her own letter to a college on the other side of the country. 

 

They don’t talk,  _ can’t _ talk, without dissolving into an argument. 

 

Seulgi looked away, ignored the gentle strokes of languid touches on her skin, feeling as though she was drowning in uncertainty.

 

(Wondered when exactly her fear seeped behind Joy’s eyes.)

 

*

 

The crash of thunder had never been more obvious to Seulgi, cracks on a glass surface that Joy had so desperately tried to protect.

 

*

 

The cracks finally gave way on the last night, the night just before Joy was to head off to a part of the country where Seulgi will not follow, the air sticky with the breaths of love making, skin red from rough touches and teeth. 

 

Joy whispered into the cooling night air, quiet, certain and yet somehow uncertain, something that Seulgi knew she believed in wholeheartedly.

 

“We’ll be okay.”

 

(When it rains, it pours.)

 

Seulgi felt herself shattering, broken in a battlefield that she had been stumbling across, unable to take the look of pure affection in Joy’s eyes. 

 

Unable to shoulder being the sole recipient of Joy’s love. 

 

She cried, heavy sobs and gasping words, words that had been held back for months, under the guise of a summer’s love and she pushed the brunette away, gathering up her sheets in hopes of protecting her bared heart.

 

“I  _ can’t _ , I can’t  _ do this _ , just- I can’t  _ do this anymore _ !”

 

Fear rushed past the broken dams, overwhelming and strong and yet Joy doesn’t seem surprised. She sat there, gathering what was left of the bedclothes and she shook her head, a joyless laugh exiting her mouth, the spark that Seulgi had desperately tried to protect from the storm within her extinguished.

 

“I thought I could make you believe.”

 

It was nothing like Joy, unassuming, defeated, nothing like the bright figure that had followed her through summer and kissed her as though they were in a fairytale.

 

“I thought I could make you believe that we were real. That we had something special.”

 

Seulgi sat there, tears mapping the contours of her face, unable to say anything, to give life to the torrent of feelings that must be pulling Joy underwater with her. 

 

“I could always feel you fighting it, fighting  _ this _ . But I thought-”

 

Joy laughed again, just a sound without the intent and she shook her head.

 

“I guess I thought wrong. You will never stop fighting and you will never open up enough to love me.”

 

Joy stood up, beautiful under the cloak of the moonlight and started pulling her clothes on, with the air of a soldier putting on armour before going off to war.

 

And Seulgi continued to just sit there.

 

It was when Joy made it to her bedroom door that she spoke up again, a silver of hope laced between sorrow.

 

“I love you. That will probably never change. I don’t know if you love me. But if you do, if somehow you do, then come to the airport tomorrow.”

 

Seulgi clutched at the bedsheets and stared at Joy’s back, watching the slight tremor that ran down her spine. 

 

“But if you don’t, then please -  _ please _ , don’t. Let me leave without you there, let me cut away the strings that attaches me to you.”

 

She opened the door, never once looking back.

 

“And then maybe the both of us can start living our own lives together.”

 

It felt very much like an ultimatum, Joy giving her one last chance to salvage this. 

 

Seulgi doesn’t answer, merely watching Joy exit the door without much fanfare.

 

(She doesn’t fight.)

 

The door clicked shut, the sound loud in the quiet room.

 

And it sounded very much like the end.

 

*

 

She doesn’t go to the airport.

 

Instead, she stewed in her room, wondering just how it was that she had forgotten Joy’s touches so quickly.

 

Wondering if there was any love she felt for Joy.

 

She blinked and reached out to the empty space in front of her, hearing the sound of an aeroplane engine in her head and imagined Joy’s figure getting smaller and smaller, until her mind’s eye can’t see her anymore.

 

Tears fell from her eyes, along with the feelings of guilt, of sadness, of regret - Seulgi doesn’t really know which - emptying her out more than she thought was possible.

 

*

 

It was when she left for college that she realised that Joy never gave her the pieces of her heart back, her heart beating in incomplete staccatos at the thought of a new life, a  _ clean slate - _

 

And she found that it hurt.

 

In the slot of her chest where the puzzle pieces of her heart doesn’t connect, in the back of her throat.

 

It was when she made her decision that she found out -

 

*

 

The hurt doesn’t leave her even as the time passed and it got easier.

 

Even when she gained a support system in Wendy, made friends that don’t judge her for who she loves or prefers, the hurt remained. 

 

It itched at the back of her mind like a wound that never fully healed, a bright red reminder even as she started to understand herself more, gathering different puzzle pieces to complete the incomplete heart that Joy has left her with. 

 

(Bisexual.

 

Best friend. 

 

Education.

 

Life.

 

Pieces of her life that never fit finally slotting their way into the broken pieces of her heart.)

 

The hurt followed her through college, through laughter and tearing of hair out at finals with Wendy, through new relationships that never measured up, through clubs and music and heartbreak that never felt like heartbreak.

 

(How do you break an already broken heart?)

 

Followed her into adulthood where Seulgi no longer fought against her feelings and allowed the world small glimpses of her and her heart that was always missing a puzzle piece, of a wound that was like a never healing papercut.

 

And Seulgi resigned herself to a life with a heart always missing one piece.

 

*

 

Or so she thought.

 

She blinked at the sight of Joy walking through the doors with her manager, brown hair now a vibrant blonde, tall and majestic in a way her confident younger self never was. The surprise at the back of her throat was reflected in dark brown eyes, Joy staring at her with the ghost of a smile on her face. 

 

She barely registered her manager’s words, could only hear the sound of her life being turned upside down.

 

“Seulgi, I would like to introduce you to our new image consultant, Joy.”

 

She could only hear the click of the final puzzle piece slotting into that empty space in her heart when Joy’s hand slipped into hers, a soft shake and a gentle smile greeting her. 

 

_ Complete _ .

 

*

 

-found out that she does, in the midst of her uncertainty and fear, she does love Joy. 


End file.
